13.2.1 Load-Bearing Series: Essay 1
Related: Load-Bearing Series Introduction · Foundation Series Introduction
Welcome
Family is my first pillar and the heart of my world. It feels fitting that this essay is published on my birthday. Family threads through every essay in the Foundation Series, and I plan to devote an entire series to it next year. It fuels my dreams, anchors my choices, and calls me to become a better man. Some may wonder why it comes before faith. For me, love of home and trust in God are inseparable; without the latter, my sense of the former would be less whole. In the rhythm of each day, God and the people I love rest at my core, and everything else radiates from there.
As I begin this essay in stillness, I am thinking about the tragedy at the Children’s Welcome Mass at Annunciation School and Church, on August 27, in Minneapolis. My twins started kindergarten at another small school the following week, and my dad attended Annunciation through eighth grade eight decades ago. These ties made the loss feel especially close to home. Processing that horror has reinforced what I already know: nothing is more important than my faith and family. For those who lost loved ones, there are no words adequate. As I hold my own children, I am heartbroken for others and grateful for the gift of another day together.
My family is who I work for, who I dream about, and who I love most dearly.
Legacy and Origin
If I imagine the words on my tombstone, I hope they are simple: loving husband and dad; loyal friend; dreamer-doer; learner-believer. That is the legacy I want to live into.
Two early bookends shaped me. My oldest brother, Danh, came to America as a refugee from Vietnam, and his story sparked a lifelong connection to Asia that eventually led me there. My younger sister, Mary, is my definition of brilliance and beauty, and remains with me every day. She struggled with addiction for most of her life and passed away two years ago. I could not save her. I loved her and always will. Mary’s memory calls me to live with urgency and tenderness.
This blog exists to stitch things together for my girls. With four siblings, I will weave many of their imprints and stories into my writing over time. Because so much of my present life and future dreams are tied to the APAC region through Danh, and because so many of my earliest and happiest memories are tied to Mary, I begin with them as I reflect on both legacy and origin.
Rituals, Traditions, and a Home That Gathered Everyone
Togetherness defined my childhood. We celebrated every holiday as an extended family: Christmas at Aunt Vonnie’s, Easter at Uncle Bill’s, and Thanksgiving at our home. My parents made room for every other celebration, too. Halloween meant basement parties and group trick-or-treating. Saint Patrick’s Day meant time downtown at an Irish pub. We also learned the meaning behind other traditions. My mom led us through Seder meals with bitter herbs and taught us to respect the holy days of other faiths. And while my mom’s constant Christmas wish was for more “peace and quiet,” our home always felt alive with love and joy.
I grew up in a large, united home full of noise, laughter, chaos, debate, and love. My parents encouraged each of us to pursue our gifts and use them for good. My siblings, each unique, shaped me in countless ways.
Competition was rare because we were so different. Two siblings especially loved books. One loved fashion. One was a natural athlete. I loved animals and the outdoors. We argued at times, but we cheered for one another. Water sports, skiing, cribbage, biking, and tennis filled our days. I do not remember the wins and losses as much as I remember the joy of doing things together.
The Family I Have Built
I met my wife in Indonesia, an archipelago already close to my heart and where I spent five years of my life. From the beginning, I knew I wanted a future with her. Today we have three little girls who are my daily teachers in joy, humility, patience, and love. Family life brings commotion, mess, and interruptions. Inside these moments I find gratitude, because that is where real life happens.
Through my daughters I now understand lessons my parents tried to teach me. As a child I wanted to be my mom’s favorite. She once teased that I was, then told me not to share it. Of course I did, and each sibling claimed the same. Now I see the truth. You do not love one child more. Each child is a God-given soul with unique gifts.
My mom also told me she loved my father most. That confused me then. Now I understand. Their marriage was our anchor. I want my daughters to feel the same when they look at my marriage. I want them to see love that is steady, warm, and visible.
Learning in Real Time
When I fall short as a husband or dad, I pause and look inward that same day. Honest self-examination fuels growth. A year ago I lost my patience with my eldest daughter, Maryam. The look in her eyes taught me more than any lecture could. I knew I needed to be more thoughtful. I wrote it down that night and changed my approach the next day.
To make it real, I use a simple daily check. Prioritize: protect the relationship. Practice: pause, get to eye level, name what I am feeling, ask a gentle question, and apologize. Impact: end the day in peace with my girls and with Hanna. Most nights, I do a short examen, give thanks, note where I fell short, and name one commitment for tomorrow. My goal is not perfection. My goal is repair and growth. I want my daughters to know a dad who listens, owns his mistakes, and keeps showing up with love.
The Wider Circle
My mom was the glue for her side of the family. We showed up. Cleveland, Connecticut, Michigan, South Carolina, South Bend, and Siesta Key. Wherever relatives gathered, we went. After her passing, I still find it natural to stay close with her siblings’ children. That early rhythm of being physically present taught me the strength of bonds that extend beyond the immediate family. Relationships grow through proximity, shared meals, and the comfort of familiar voices around the table. My mom did not teach that lesson with words; she lived it through her example.
On my father’s side, I have rarely seen siblings closer than my dad, his sister, and his brother. Even as a child I admired their time together, the easy way they talked, teased, and remembered. That closeness was their inheritance to us, a model of how loyalty looks in practice. I am close with some of my cousins there and less close with others. That is on me. Connection does not maintain itself. If I want different outcomes, I need to invest with intention.
Family ties grow where we plant and water them. Every call, visit, and message is a small act of stewardship. As my daughters grow, I want them to know where they come from and to understand that family is more than the people under one roof. It is a wider circle of belonging, built through presence, effort, and love that keep showing up.
Pulling It Together: Key Practices for Impact (my KPIs)
In the introduction to this series, I redefined the familiar term KPI as Key Practices for Impact. It is a framework for living with measurable purpose. While many associate KPIs with business performance, I see them as daily anchors for personal integrity. Each pillar in this series can stand strong only when supported by habits that align intention with action. These three daily checks: Prioritize, Practice, and Impact, turn reflection into follow-through and values into visible results.
Measurable Elements
- As a husband: Daily one-on-one time. Regular check-ins. Celebrate her wins. Be fully present. Offer calm when she is stressed.
- As a dad: Demonstrate unconditional love. Stay physically, emotionally, and spiritually connected. Attend Mass weekly as a family. Create a safe place for failure and growth. Set high, realistic expectations with accountability. Build confidence. Model kindness, forgiveness, and patience.
- As a son and brother: Assume the best. Offer grace and forgiveness. Be responsive. Stay connected and curious about their lives.
Reflection Point
Family forms the first architecture of a life. Love builds it. Presence strengthens it. Gratitude keeps it standing.
The Lesson: Family First, with Faith, Too
- Family is the core of who we are. It is joy, responsibility, and legacy.
- Strong bonds do not happen by accident. They grow through time, trust, and presence.
- What endures is not individual achievement. It is the love we practice at home.
Practical Takeaways
- Invest intentionally in your relationships. Family thrives when nurtured.
- Model love in your marriage. It creates security for children.
- Celebrate uniqueness. Every member is a gift.
- Protect family time. Simple rhythms of presence build belonging.
Two Questions to Explore
- What values or lessons do you most hope to pass on to future generations?
- If someone summed up your family legacy, what would you want them to say?
Further Resources
- Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker. A pediatrician’s insights on how fathers shape confidence and character.
- The Power of Vulnerability by Brené Brown (TED). How openness and courage deepen relationships at home.
- The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey. Timeless principles adapted to family life that build trust and unity.
Thank you for being part of my journey. Writing these words helps me slow down, look inward, and live more intentionally. I hope they offer meaningful support in your own work of becoming.
Live. Lead. Love.
Billy
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Billy…there was so much in this present blog, I needed to read it twice. Your words (here and in your earlier series), bring back many wonderful memories. Yes, family was always a significant part of our lives, especially as you and your siblings were growing up. And it has continued as you wrote about. Thank you, son, for remembering so many parts of our history as a family. Dad
Thank you, Dad. Your example shaped so much of who I am and what I value. I am grateful for the memories we share and for the foundation you and Mom built for all of us.
Thank you, Billy. It’s a great article. I believe that a free and open family environment—one that allows children to make mistakes—may be one of the foundations that enables the United States to lead the world in technological innovation. Countless technological inventions have come from the U.S.
Of course, immigration has played an important role, but the way ordinary American families educate their children is also something Asian parents can learn from. I am also trying my best to give my child a relaxed environment, treating them like a “little adult” who can make their own decisions.
Thank you, Jeffrey. I am grateful for your continued encouragement and support, and I truly enjoyed our one-hour catch-up this morning. I remain impressed by the way you lead and the way you parent. Both reflect deep intention and care.
Your point about mistakes resonates strongly with me. Mistakes are essential, and learning from them is just as important. We cannot raise a generation that is afraid of failure, because we never know which misstep might lead to growth, creativity, or meaningful contribution. Treating children with trust and empowering them to live and lead their own lives matters deeply, especially when paired with parenting that is loving, supportive, and encouraging. There is already a great deal of that empowerment taking shape in our household. At the same time, when I look at my own relationship with my father, he will always be my parent, and preserving that grounding presence feels important as well. It is a balance I continue to reflect on and learn from.
I appreciate the wisdom you shared here and the example you continue to set.