Community: The Courage to Be Known and the Commitment to Give Fully

15.2.3 Load-Bearing Series: Essay 3

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Related: Load-Bearing Series Introduction · Foundation Series Introduction · Essay 1 (Family) · Essay 2 (Faith)

Welcome

Community is one of the most misunderstood words in modern life. Many people think it is simply the collection of neighbors, colleagues, and friends who happen to surround us. Yet real community is not defined by proximity. It is defined by presence, by the posture we bring into every relationship, every crossing of paths, and every space where our lives intersect with others.

My own understanding of community has been shaped by thousands of human interactions across decades of life, professional responsibility, and travel, by the neighborhoods I have lived in, and by the friendships that have become anchors in my life. I am fortunate to serve at a company where I am surrounded by some of my very favorite people, both teammates and partners. Years ago, a colleague mentioned that he found it remarkable that I did not seem to dislike a single person I worked with. I smiled and answered honestly. Out of the hundreds of people I know and consider trusted allies, there are still a few who do not land on my short list of favorites.

One of my favorite Abraham Lincoln quotes stays with me: If I meet someone I do not like, I need to get to know that person better. This approach remains at the forefront of my mind whenever I meet someone who challenges my desire to see the best in every soul.

That is the quiet truth of any community. We know when someone is drawn to us, and we know when someone is not. The same is true when we walk into a store, speak with a teller at the bank, or roll down the window when a police officer pulls us over for going a little too fast. People can sense whether we are real, authentic, honest, and respectful. Community lives in those small, everyday tests of who we choose to be.

Transparency, Assertiveness, and Being Known

Someone recently described me as too transparent and aggressive. Other than wanting to say thank you, I offered one small correction. I believe assertive is a more fitting word than aggressive. People know exactly where I stand. Over time, I have discovered that in community life, transparency and assertiveness are tremendous assets. They are not tools for manipulation. They are tools for service. They help others understand what I value, where I stand, and how I hope to contribute.

Asking a neighbor or colleague directly for what we need is the shortest and most honest way to move forward together. It is the opposite of subtle manipulation or passive aggression. When we state plainly what we are asking for, we give the other person the respect of choice. Real community thrives on clarity and honesty, not quiet positioning or hidden agendas.

Giving One Hundred Percent

I once heard that the healthiest definition of a relationship is not a fifty-fifty split. It is one hundred percent given by each person. The math is simple. If everyone gives one hundred percent, the collective whole should in the end total at least one hundred percent, even if we both fall a bit short. When we walk into relationships and situations determined to give one hundred percent, we set ourselves and others up for a shared win.

The trouble begins when we start to bargain or maneuver to get more than we give. Over time, the people around us begin to withhold and withdraw, just as we would if we felt used. All of us have experienced relationships where the balance felt uneven. That is part of any real community.

We cannot force anyone to change, although sometimes our consistency and integrity may influence a heart over time. Every once in a while, a zebra can change its stripes. When it happens, it is a gift, but it is also rare. Never give up hoping and trying, but do not be naive or neglectful either.

Why I Write and Share My Journey

As I write, I want to be careful not to give the impression that my pillars should define anyone else’s. I am not trying to present myself as someone who knows everything. My life, as this collection suggests, is a life under construction. Each piece is, at its core, a letter to my daughters.

These essays are meant to capture my stories, my experiences, and my values, so that one day my girls can share them with future generations and perhaps feel inspired to do something similar when they reach my age. Some of what I write may resonate. Other topics and stories may not. That is not the point. The purpose is to be honest in capturing my experiences so far and my hopes for the future.

A Lifelong Web of Relationships

My definition of community includes every friendship, relationship, and encounter that shapes who I am becoming. Some connections reach back to childhood, including dear friends, longtime neighbors, and familiar faces I still look for when I run errands or walk through my neighborhood. Others are new. Some feel surface-level today but may one day grow into lasting friendships.

These moments remind me that there is no such thing as a neutral human interaction. Every encounter leans either toward the positive or the negative. When I think about community, I see a wide circle that includes neighbors from every chapter of life, friends from my earliest memories to the present, colleagues and customers, the people who serve in the places I frequent, the custodians at the office, and the flight attendants on every plane I board. Each interaction is an invitation to choose connection over indifference.

With these relationships comes a sense of responsibility and ownership. To be a good neighbor is to introduce yourself and allow yourself to be known. It is greeting others as you walk by, showing genuine interest, and offering help when you see a need. A brief exchange with someone at Costco or a local restaurant can become meaningful when you look them in the eye and ask how they are doing, with a sincere desire to hear a real answer. It means noticing the work people do and honoring the stories behind their lives. It means stepping into each new interaction with the hope that the respect you offer will be returned.

Stepping Up and Serving Beyond Comfort

Community is more than a warm feeling toward others. It calls us to step up and engage fully, sometimes when we are asked and sometimes without being asked. For me, this includes being an active member of our church communities, chaperoning school field trips, serving on boards, opening our home as a host family, joining new organizations, and continuing to push myself beyond my comfort zone in the spirit of service. This is what it means to take part in something larger than myself.

A few years ago, I joined the board of a large hospital and medical network in the Twin Cities. My reasons for doing so were varied. My mentor had made a significant donation, and I wanted to honor that legacy. I was also drawn to their work with children’s mental health. After joining the board, I began a quiet quest to understand why so many children are struggling with mental health today.

I asked people I respected for their thoughts and insights. A friend named Tom offered an explanation that resonated with me. He believes that a significant part of the crisis is rooted in a breakdown of community. He shared that it was once common for a child to receive honest, loving, and sometimes firm guidance from teachers, neighbors, extended family members, and other adults in the community. Today, many of us live more compartmentalized lives. Some of that is rooted in safety concerns. Some of it reflects a tendency to surround ourselves primarily with people whose values and opinions match our own.

Without learning from others, and without being challenged or redirected by people who care about us, we risk living such isolated lives that we begin to believe our own stories, perspectives, and values are the only ones that matter. By staying active in our communities, getting to know others, and setting aside the fear of being questioned or proven wrong, we open ourselves to a world rich with connection, love, learning, hope, and legacy.

Pulling It Together: Key Practices for Impact (my KPIs)

In the Load-Bearing Series Introduction, I defined the familiar term KPI as Key Practices for Impact. It is a framework for living with measurable purpose. While many associate KPIs with business performance, I see them as daily anchors for personal integrity. Community is one of those pillars that only stands strong when supported by habits that align intention with action.

Prioritize: Remember that people, presence, and service are at the heart of community.

Practice: Create space for friendship, service, curiosity, and simple daily moments of connection.

Impact: Let community become visible in the way I show up as a friend, neighbor, colleague, and citizen.

Measurable Elements

• In friendships: Be present and dependable. Reach out regularly, listen more than I speak, and show up in both celebration and hardship. Protect a small circle of trusted friendships and invest deeply there.
• In everyday interactions: Treat each encounter as an opportunity, not a transaction. Look people in the eye, use their names when I know them, ask how they are, and mean it.
• In serving the wider community: Give my time and presence to causes and communities that need them. Say yes to strategic opportunities to serve, such as boards, school events, church ministries, and host-family roles, especially when they stretch me beyond my comfort zone.
• As a neighbor: Be someone my neighbors know, trust, and feel comfortable approaching. Introduce myself, remember names, offer help when I see a need, and accept help when it is offered to me.
• In digital spaces: Use digital platforms to extend real connection, not to replace it. Engage thoughtfully, encourage generously, and remember that every username belongs to a real person with a real story.

Reflection Point

Community is not built by geography. It is built by generosity, presence, the courage to be known, and a genuine desire to know and serve others.

The Lesson: Community as a Daily Choice to Show Up

• Community is the web of relationships that shapes who we are and who we are becoming.
• Strong communities do not happen by accident. They grow through honesty, generosity, and consistent presence.
• What endures is not individual independence. It is the connection, love, and legacy we build with others.

Practical Takeaways

1. Invest intentionally in your relationships. Community thrives when nurtured.
2. Be transparent and assertive with kindness. Clarity strengthens trust.
3. Give one hundred percent in relationships without waiting to see what others give first.
4. Step beyond comfort. Serve in ways that connect you to the needs around you.
5. Treat every interaction, from your street to the checkout line, as a chance to build dignity and connection.

Two Questions to Explore

• What kind of presence do you bring into the communities where you live, work, and worship?
• Where is one specific place this week where you can give one hundred percent and help someone feel seen, valued, and less alone?

Further Resources

• The Book of Joy by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. A warm and accessible conversation about compassion, suffering, gratitude, and finding joy through spiritual depth, friendship, and shared humanity.
• Braving the Wilderness by Brené Brown. A thoughtful exploration of true belonging, courageous presence, and what it means to stand alone without abandoning connection or community.
• How to Know a Person by David Brooks. A practical and heartfelt guide to the art of truly seeing others, asking better questions, and helping people feel understood and valued in everyday life and community.

Thank you for being part of my journey. Putting these thoughts on paper reminds me how much we depend on one another for meaning, growth, and joy. May they encourage you to invest boldly in the relationships that shape your days and expand your world.

Live. Lead. Love.
Billy

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Explore the Load-Bearing Series · Explore the Foundation Series · Essay 1 (Family) · Essay 2 (Faith)